In Me

Title: In Me
Pairing: G-Ri
Author:lotsoflov_e
Rating: PG [some sexual scenes]
Genre: Idk, rly :/
Summary: Jiyong's gone. Forever.
Warnings: Badly written story, bad english. Sorry!!
A/N : Dedicated to

so_much_kimchi , who creates some of the best bb fanfics i've ever read <3



Do you know what the worst feeling in the world is? It has to be missing someone. it does not matter who they were to you or are to you, or where they are now, or even if they are dead and gone... missing someone, anyone, is the worst feeling in the world. It is a feeling that never really goes away because you cannot just stop missing that someone.
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When you sleep, you are awake.

Your hands are always twitching, touching the other empty side of your bed, hoping, somehow, you'll touch his soft, cold body, his tangled up hair, anything associated to him.

Your ears are always open, just in case you might hear his snoring, or even his raspy breathing beside you.

Your eyes, sometimes, are wide open the whole night. You sit near the window, wishing, wanting, that you might just somewhat see a glimpse of his gorgeous face.   

The way they talk, the way they look, the way they laugh, the way they affected your life... you do not ever really stop missing that someone.

When you are waiting for someone who's never going to come back, you live entirely on hope.

****
You wake up and realize that it has been exactly five years since he departed from your life. You slip your feet into the panda slippers that he gave you for your birthday and go to the kitchen.

You see your hyung sitting on your dearest Ji's seat.

"Hi, Ri.. Did you even sleep last night? Those eyebags.." The eldest member of Big Bang uttered his form of greeting to you and cocked a smile.

"Hyung, please don't sit on Ji's chair. It's his."

His grin turns into a frown. He places his firm grip on your shoulder and stares at you, his expressive eyes burning a hole at the back of your skull.

"Ri, it's been years. Jiyong's gone now. He's not coming back."

There's an inner calmness that radiated in you, surprising even yourself. You push his hand away from your shoulder and say,

"Hyung, Jiyong's always here. He's in me. Right here." You clutch your barely-beating heart, take your plate, and go back to your room.

****'

What you have with him is worth it, you reckon. It is worth every lonely night, every tear you cry from missing him, and the pain you feel from not having him close. It is worth it because he is your one and only. When you picture yourself years from now, you see only him. No matter how painful distance can be, not having him in your life would be worse.

You sit at the edge of your bed and looked at your food.
Instant ramen......
You suppress a sigh and took a bite.

Bland.

You squeeze out some mean kimchi from a packet and take another bite.
With every bite you take, you pour even more kimchi.

Your eyes are twitching and tearing and your nose is turning red. Your breath comes out ragged and your tongue just begs you to stop.

But you don't.
You keep on going, going, going.

After awhile, you look down at your plate. Your plate is covered entirely with kimchi.

So much kimchi.

You don't feel your tongue anymore. You feel nothing.
You feel numb. You reckon you killed your tastebuds.

Great, you say, one step closer to death.

That thought made you instantly happier.

People that are meant to be together will always find their way in the end.
Taking a deep breath, you pick up a pen and a piece of scrap paper, and began to write:

"Dearest hyungs,
I'm going to keep Jiyong company.
Mistakes are sometimes the best memories, hyung. What I'm doing may be a mistake, but Jiyong's so lonely, hyung.

If you miss me, just look at the stars, I'm the brightest one.
Remember, It's not a 'good-bye', only a long 'I'll see you later.'

I've had so much memories with you all. I love you, hyungs. But for now, I think Jiyong needs me more. Daesung-hyung, remember how you'll always bug me to tell you what we're doing at night? Well, here it is:

We would lie there in my bed. Do you remember all those nights we never slept? Where we would all make so much noise. And Youngbae hyung, you'll always groan and call my handphone to yell although we sleep just next door. Hehehe.. you are such a light sleeper.

Anyway, no clothes, sweaty doing all the things I never thought I'd do. And I did them all with him. So, for now... Daesung yah! Enjoy life with TOP hyung please, you know you want to! And Youngbae-hyung...get a girlfriend already! What about Sunye unnie? She's really pretty...

 I'll promise I'll come back as an adorable angel and guide you along life, okay?

I'll see you soon in heaven, hyungs. I'll be your tour guide and make sure you're all okay in there.

Your victory baby, your maknae,
Seungri"

You left it on your chair and began looking for a rope.
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I BEG YOU FOR COMMENTS. I'm sorry I had to kill Seungri! D: Btw this is my first posted fanfic and I need constructive comments, okayy? :) Thanks all! <3